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Ice Bucket

(I nominate Henry Robertson Bowers, Robert Stephenson, David Livingston)

What defines a man today ?
I hardly feel qualified to say,
But looking back in history,
And comparing the bravery,
Of men of iron, of steam and travel,
Scott, Darwin and Brunel,
I fear things here aren't going too well !

We've swapped both courage and invention,
For mid life crisis and marital tension,
Dreams of our retirement pension,
The Metrosexual stands bold,
Nominal head of his household,
Central heating keeps out the cold,
The flat- packed B&Q cuckold.

Peering down the generations,
With his telescope,
Would Nelson with admiration,
Wonder how we cope,
And nod to Shackleton with a noble smile,
Watching our men stand firm,
on 'Jeremy Kyle ',
Resolutely tough on 'Call Of Duty',
Without a hint of fear,
'Gender Bending' is now trending,
Our role models on Top Gear.

Our tolerance is zero,
In the gym another hero,
The guru in Cafe Nero, says
We've come so very far,
Swapped primitive values,
For the most expensive super car,
The raw power of road rage,
The alpha male has come of age.

Essential narcissism is alive and well,
Masculine competition via hair gel,
'Endurance' is really only Lynx 's brand new smell,
'Tough Mudder', Warrior', Just For Men',
The style icon says moisturise now and then,
A bloated pickup truck for vanity,
Grow a beard for charity,
Seeking gender clarity once again.

So men keep up pretence,
There's a battle between,
Testosterone and impotence,
But listen carefully to me,
For when you wake up scared at half past three,
And realise there's no eternity,
And you panic about what to do,
Well its those great men who are calling you.